ramblings

you should listen to beauty by the shivers while reading this.i think its the perfect wine to my cheesy post.

i used to think that hey i should just go with the flow and let things work out on their own.
well i was mistaken. nothing seems to be working out for me, eh i shouldnt say that its just i want to start living but something or someone keeps getting in my way. i try to live every day with my chin up but its hard when everyone shoves it back down. i hate it when things fail miserably. i miss having fun. i havent had a really fun day in a long time. i dont even know what my real laugh is anymore. i put on a fake smile and laugh just to see if it might help me have a happier time. nope.i want to meet someone fresh. someone new.someone who wont let me down. someone who i can talk to without having to impress. someone funny. humors an odd thing and i find it tiring. people these days try so hard to be the funny one in the group when they're just not meant to be and its just pathetic watching them. thats why i want to meet someone whos naturally funny and can influence me to live everyday as a joke. i take things way too seriously for a typical suburban teenager. ugh i just need something FRESH! somebody..anybody..at least someone who can make me genuinely laugh but at the same time someone whos willing to open up to me so i can open up to them. im the type to bottle all my emotions up and observe others and their own emotions from my little observatory inside me. i dunno. i just never really let everything i had in mind out into the open. i dont mean i want a boyfriend though. these days im not even interested in a relationship. i think its my laziness and plus im scared they're going to distract me from my studies heh. i dunno. my mom randomly said to me recently that she doesnt mind me having a bf as long as i set boundaries and i was just thinking to myself like uhh ok you should've told me that earlier because now i dont give a shit about stupid relationships. high school love isnt love at all. plus what can you do, its not like you're going to actually marry them. its all fun and games. but i mean thats always fun to talk about and gossip about some juicy drama so yeah keep at it. i think for me...right now if i had to go into a relationship, it would be really adventurous and practically an indie movie status relationship LOL i have no idea what im getting at but ok. reader if you are still reading i suggest you stop because im about to sound like a lunatic loser rambling about nonsensical shit. OKAY so for me i want this kind of relationship. like..a super top secret confidential relationship that both of us dont even know we're in yannowhatimsaying?? like everyone around us can tell we have a thang but we have no idea. and we have to be like supppperduper close and we're the best of friends yet we're bitches to each other the meanest to each other. and our relationship has to revolve around fun and humor so in other words you better be a funnyass guy. hmm what else oh and the guy should be like cool&collected yet when he opens up hes like the life of the party. but i dont want a guy whos under the influence, like smoking is pushing the limit but i think random hot gangly strangers who are smoking are kinda hot. but you gotta be british.=] isnt that every girls dream? to move to london and land some important fashionassociated job and marry a hot skinny british dude and live in a studio? or maybe thats just me. hm oh and the dude has to be like down to earth and sorta chill and he has to be charismatic and i havta be comfortable around him that he could just come to my house and i could be in my pjs and looking like shittake. he should cook too and i want someone who loves swimming and the beach like me. i think its sad when people dont like the water, its the best feeling when you dive in and the water slowly envelopes your body.also someone who has really good music taste thats similar to the music i like but they can teach me more about it. also who knows alot about movies too.good movies. sometimes shyness gets on my nerves and i dont find it attractive. just find the balls to say something its not that hard. but then again obnoxious people are a thousand times worse, unless they're funny haha. everyone likes a funny person.and like yeaaah i want the relationship to be a movie. like an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind situation or a complicated relationship like margot and richie except the step-siblings part cuz thats too nazty. haha i think that would be fun. i should be thinking wtf am i getting into when i begin the relationship that im talkin about. hah i make it sound like my expectations are soaring high but really its not. this is just me rambling about what would be nice. my expectations arent high or low cause well, i never experienced love and i dont even know what to expect. yeaah something thats not love at all but just a time of funn. basically, unless this type of relationship finds me ,i'll pass on anything related to love. yes so that is my impossible relationship.

im so bored right now. bored to the bone. bored out of my mind. i hate making plans though. someone make a damn plan and take me away from my little yellow cottage.

"i feel that you shouldnt get involved in an intimate relationship until you are emotionally mature enough to handle it. totally!"
i love playlistsssssss
oooh and i love mix cds

sighhhh
i''ll still be here